


Pick Guitar, Fill Fruit Jar, & Be Gay

by anomalation



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Platonic Bed Sharing, Underage Drinking, a nobody's straight AU, but like the most chill low pressure coming out ever there is 0 stress here, though john b might just be a very enthusiastic ally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anomalation/pseuds/anomalation
Summary: It's the summer after graduation. John B's dad never found the wreck and thus never went missing, so basically none of the events of the series took place. Kie's gay and heading off to college in August. JJ doesn't know he's dating Pope.Exclusively a good gay time. Fluff.Title from Hank Williams 'Jambalaya'.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Pope (Outer Banks), Sarah Cameron/Kiara
Comments: 12
Kudos: 127





	Pick Guitar, Fill Fruit Jar, & Be Gay

**Author's Note:**

> Fellas, is it gay to love your best friends? Or are they your best friends because you're all gay? Who can never be sure. 
> 
> I wrote this in a week for an audience of I'm sure like three people, but we all have callings we must answer.

Kiara was no coward, but JJ’s house freaked her out. Not like the look of it or anything, but honestly more how normal it seemed given what she knew happened in there. And yeah, JJ didn’t stay there most of the time anymore, but every time he had to come back and pretended it was all totally fine, Kie felt her nerves wearing a little thinner. She couldn’t help but think of last summer, when he’d taken his shirt off to dive for his sunglasses and they’d all seen how bad his dad fucked him up the night before. It didn’t happen as much now. JJ basically always stayed with Pope, after they found out.

But Kie didn’t bring any of that stuff up. She beeped, and waited for him as long as it took. Pogues never left one of their own behind.

JJ came out looking fine. No visible bruises, but that didn’t mean much, really. “Yo, Kie,” he said as he crossed the yard. “Let’s get this show on the road.” He tossed a bulging duffle bag into the back and got in the front with her.

“You got everything?” she asked him.

“Yep.” He popped the p, and shut the door behind him. “Emergency rations acquired.”

“Rations are food.”

“Whatever.” He shrugged, with a little bit of a smile. His usual kind of smile, kind of vacant. Stoned, probably. But before they got going, Kie looked at him for another long second.

“Did he hurt you?” she asked, because she had to know.

“Who?” JJ played dumb until she glared at him, and then he added brightly, “Oh, my dad?”

“Yeah, dumbass.”

“No. Not really. I’m fine. Nothing you gotta worry about, mama.”

“Okay.” She didn’t mean it, and he could hear it.

JJ looked at her and his face warmed up with a better smile, a more real smile. And that was when Kie had to remind herself that most of the time, JJ just wanted to be asked. He never wanted to answer. “Seriously,” he said. “All good. Let’s go. Who’s up next?”

He was telling enough of the truth that she did start driving. “Your boyfriend,” she said. “We can drop your stuff off.”

“Ha ha. Very funny,” JJ said, and searched his pockets until he found a joint to light. “Kinda homophobic of you to use gay shit to insult people, Kie. Don’t they brief you on this? At the gay pride meetings?”

Okay, hold up. Kie frowned at him. “It’s not an insult,” she said.

“Sure,” JJ scoffed. “You meant it as a complement.”

“I mean your actual, literal boyfriend,” Kie said, but her stomach was sort of sinking.

JJ frowned back. “What?” he said. “You think I’m dating Pope?”

“Yeah, dude. Like I ‘think’ the sky is blue,” she said, taking her hands off the steering wheel to do some hardcore air quotes.

“Come on,” JJ sighed. “Stop fucking with me. There’s no way-”

“JJ. Do you sleep in his bed every night?"

“It's not like his folks have an extra bed,” he shrugged.

“And you wear each other’s clothes.”

“Because it’d be a pain in the ass to separate everything out. Laundry and shit.”

“And you've made out _how_ many times?"

JJ threw his arms out to gesture wildly. ”We were drunk! It doesn’t count when - fuck, I made out with _you_ drunk,” he pointed out. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

“Uh yeah, it means we’re best friends and that's how I know that it _definitely_ counts with Pope,” Kie said. “Did you really think all of that was like, normal shit?”

When JJ didn’t answer right away, she glanced over and found him chewing on his lip. The most obvious tell that he was thinking something over. “I dunno,” he finally said. “I mean, you never said anything. Or John B, he hasn’t either.”

“Please.” Kie rolled her eyes. “John B is the most clueless straight boy to ever live.” He hadn’t noticed how JJ was totally in love with him for years, for instance, and that was visible from fucking space.

“And what, you thought I knew?”

“Yeah, dude,” Kie said. “I really did.”

JJ was quiet for a while. He smoked, for once not trying to annoy her, which was weird. After about five minutes of silence, it got to the point where Kie was actually starting to be worried she’d made him upset, and then when they were down the street from Pope’s house he spoke up. “You think he would, though?”

“What?”

“Pope, you think he’d…”

Kie looked at him again. “Yeah,” she said. “No question. And he’d be lucky.”

“Please,” JJ huffed. “He’s the one who’s gonna actually be somebody in a few years. I don’t even know why he’d bother.”

“Sounds like a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend.”

JJ didn’t protest this time. He smiled a little was all. And when when she stopped outside Pope’s house and honked, JJ turned his whole body towards her to look at her. “Hey, you think I can crash with you this weekend?” he asked.

“Sure,” Kie said after a moment of surprise. “Why, what’s up?”

“The Heywards are headed to a family reunion in Atlanta.”

“You don’t want to crash with John B?” Kie said, mostly because she couldn’t remember a time when JJ had stayed with her even once before. It was making her suspicious.

“No, dude,” JJ said, his voice high and uncomfortable. “Him and his dad are on that whole sunken treasure thing again, so. I’m asking you.”

There was something else going on there, but Pope was jogging out to them so she just said, “Yeah. Of course.”

Pope slid open one of the back doors. “Hey,” he said, and reached over JJ’s seat to clasp his shoulder on his way in. “How’s your dad?” he asked.

“Fine,” JJ answered, and stared out the window chewing on his thumbnail for the rest of the drive, even after they picked up Sarah.

Sarah leaned into the front seat to give Kiara a kiss when she got in. “Hey, babe,” she said.

“Hi,” Kie answered with the kind of smile she couldn’t help around Sarah. And she caught JJ watching that, like Watching in a way that she thought meant something more. Like maybe he actually hadn’t thought about being gay and for the first time he was going there. Shit.

JJ hadn’t liked Sarah when she started hanging out with them, Kie was all too aware. She’d been right there with him after all, before she and Sarah made up and then found out the weirdness between them was actually the biggest mutual crush on each other. They’d spent that night on the boat together when Pope and the guys forced them, and then they’d had AP Lit together junior year, and then Sarah made the first move and all of a sudden they were dating. So then all of a sudden, Kie had figure out how to come out to the guys.

It was scarier to think about it than it was to do it. Doing it just meant getting everybody together and saying it. “I’m gay. And Sarah and I are together. Any questions?”

John B was totally surprised, of course. Pope was kind of resigned, but just a few minutes later was able to be happy for her. There was a second where she was worried JJ would hang onto his grudge. It kind of felt like he liked being mad sometimes, just for the sake of it. But he held his fist up for her to bump with hers and asked for one last kiss, for science. Sarah socked him in the shoulder, and he smiled, and that was that.

And in Kie’s mind, here’s what had happened. JJ saw that they were gay, and came to some realizations. When he moved in with Pope and the two of them settled in closer into each other, Kie wondered, obviously. She never asked, though, because… well, she wasn’t totally sure why. If she was wrong, she’d feel really fucking dumb, and it didn’t really matter anyways. Right? That was all she wanted when she came out, was to feel like they knew she was the same person she was when they thought they had a shot with her. So she’d been trying to extend that same courtesy to JJ and Pope.

It was just in the last couple months it had been obvious enough that she’d figured they were all supposed to know. They were beyond coming out, maybe. It was fine. No big deal.

Maybe it was a big deal, though, she was thinking. With JJ sitting there next to her, looking out the window and totally zoned out, Kie was having the revelation that maybe it was actually the biggest deal, to him. And she’d brought it up as a joke. Fuck.

They all piled out of the car at John B’s house. The air smelled like the bonfire Kie could see out on the beach, and there was already music going. Pope and JJ ran ahead to find John B, but Sarah and Kie took a second.

“Everything okay?” Sarah asked. “I’m not used to me and Pope being the loud ones.”

Kie hadn’t noticed. “Oh,” she said. “Yeah. I just talked to JJ, and um.”

“Is he okay?”

It was progress that Sarah was asking that in a way that almost meant it. “Yeah,” Kie said. “He’s fine. Apparently he didn’t know he and Pope were dating, though.”

“Whoa,” Sarah frowned. “What?”

“Right? He thinks they’re just friends.”

“Uh, I’ve never had a friend like that,” Sarah frowned, and then added, “Except for you.”

Kie grinned, and she pulled Sarah closer to kiss her. “That’s what I’m saying,” she said. “We’ll see. I’ve got a feeling it’ll go down today.”

“Good.” Sarah took Kie’s hand on their way toward the fire. “I like him,” she said then.

“Who, JJ?”

“Yeah. He’s chill. I mean, he’s not chill at all. But he’s…”

“Chill?” Kie suggested, and Sarah giggled.

“You know what I mean,” Sarah said.

Kie did know. JJ was chill, sorta. A lot of the time he was, but then he’d go off and pick a fight with Sarah’s brother and some of the other kooks, or flip out and do something wild, throw some shit or snap at someone. And she loved him, she trusted him. Pogue code was real. But now that she had a second to think about it, she was realizing that maybe JJ staying with her was something that she shouldn’t have said yes to so quickly.

Whatever. It’d be fine. Kie didn’t worry any more about it, she shared a deck chair with Sarah and watched John B and Pope argue over the grill. They had hot dogs and salmon and grilled corn, and then John B and his dad pulled out their guitars and played a bunch of Hank Williams and Jimmy Buffet and shit. JJ howled out a high harmony, which would be more annoying if he wasn’t hitting the right notes. It was fun.

John B’s dad went in as it got later. “Work to do,” he said, and Sarah and Kie shared a look. Kie could almost hear Sarah in her head - _searching for sunken treasure, such hard “work”_. But if she said that, John B would point out how her dad ran a hotel where most of the work was done by pogues he hired, and that would be a whole thing because Sarah and her dad weren’t on speaking terms anymore. Part of why Sarah was so cool was because she understood how things would go like that, she knew to wait and be shady in private.

Sarah was just cool, period, though. She’d gone and applied to the same colleges Kie was applying to just in case they were still together and wanted to go to the same place, and then she only told her after Kie picked where she was going. Because she didn’t want Kie to feel any pressure. Sarah was badass, and in August they were heading to college together as best friends and girlfriends, and Kie was so in love with her it was hard to think about much else sometimes. Especially when they were drunk.

God. Kie was so gay. It was absolutely delightful. It was one of her favorite things about herself.

The sun set, and the fire burned lower. It got colder, and John B brought out blankets for everybody. Kie and Sarah shared one, and Pope spread his over JJ’s legs too. And Kie saw the question coming on JJ’s face, in his mouth a second before he said it.

“Yo, Pope,” JJ said, looking into the fire. “Are we dating?”

Kie watched Pope’s confused frown. “…uh, yeah?” he said after a second. “Are you joking? We’ve been together for two months.”

JJ nodded, chewing on his lip, and flicked a glance over at Kiara.

“Fucking told you so,” she said.

JJ smiled. That was what he was looking for. “You did,” he said.

“Wait, hold on,” John B said. “Can you be dating someone if you don’t know? Am I dating someone?”

“No,” Pope said with a patronizing side-eye.

“You’re banging a different tourist chick every week,” Sarah pointed out.

John B smirked a little bit. “Fair point.”

“You had to ask Kie?” Pope said to JJ. “Was it not clear enough when I asked you out?”

“When the fuck did that happen?” JJ said with an increasing sense of bewildered resignation.

“Two months ago,” Pope answered patiently. “At our graduation party.”

“Oh, I blacked out,” JJ said, deadpan. “For sure. Anything after like 8 is gone.”

“Are you serious?” Pope said, while everybody else laughed.

JJ shrugged. “Yeah, man. You could be making this up for all I know.”

“Well, you told me,” John B said. “That night. I thought you were joking, though.”

“I told you,” JJ repeated.

“Hold on, do you think… do you want to be together?” Pope asked him. As if JJ wasn’t under the blanket with him, sitting in a folding chair directly next to him. “Was this… consensual?”

“Oh my god, dude,” JJ sighed, and leaned over and planted one directly on Pope’s lips. “I’d tell you,” he said. “If this wasn’t cool. Don’t have to be your boyfriend to call you out.”

Pope nodded, relieved.

“Hold hands,” Sarah shouted with a hand to her mouth. She was wasted, which was cute.

JJ flipped her off with one hand, and held his other hand out to Pope. “We’ve got to give the people what they want,” he said, and Pope smiled as he interlocked their fingers.

“You’re not blacked out now, are you?” Pope asked.

“No,” JJ said. “Not yet.” It seemed like he wanted to be joking, but Kie knew him well enough to see the set of his jaw and know it really was just a matter of time. Pope kind of knew too, he didn’t laugh, but John B did and Sarah did and Kie smiled because she wanted JJ to feel like he had some sort of privacy left even if it was a lie.

Kie had only had a couple beers, and she totally stopped drinking after that, so she could drive everybody home. Everybody else had a pretty sloppy night, though. John B fell asleep on the sand, and JJ and Pope were kind of all over each other, half wrestling and half just cuddling with each other but pretending to be pinned down. Then Sarah pulled all of them up and made them dance, pushing Kie towards Pope and taking JJ to sway back and forth with him.

Pope smiled at Kie. “Hey,” he said. “Thanks for my boyfriend.”

“Well,” Kie said with half a smile. She put her hands on his shoulders, and he put his respectfully on her hips. “I thought he knew, honestly.”

“I can’t even be mad, because same,” Pope said. He looked over Kie’s shoulder, probably at the other two, as they rotated slowly, mostly in one spot. Pope was a little heavier than usual, a little more clumsy, but he was still able to keep up. He spun her once, carefully away from the fire, and Kie caught a glimpse of JJ and Sarah giggling together, stiff-armed like they were at homecoming or something. “I think it’s kind of my fault, though,” Pope said.

“What?”

“Him not knowing. Like… I’m a bad boyfriend, if he couldn’t tell.”

“Or you’re a great friend,” Kie said. “And he’s dealing with his own stuff. Y’know?”

“I guess so,” Pope said. And then he pulled her closer to hold her with his arms around her waist. “It turned out okay,” he said then.

Kie snorted. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Gay,” Pope added unnecessarily.

“Yes. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on your new old boyfriend this weekend,” Kie said, and Pope huffed out a laugh.

“Okay,” he said. “Good. He’s staying with you?”

“Yeah, I think he’ll be coming home with me tonight, probably,” Kie said. “He wasn’t specific.”

“No, he usually isn’t.”

Interesting. “What do you mean?” Kie asked. They were still moving roughly in time with the music, swaying back and forth and turning a little. She was turned towards JJ and Sarah now, and watched Sarah looking in JJ’s eyes and saying something very sincerely.

“Well, if he asks for something then you can say no. But if he’s just there, then.”

“Huh,” Kie said. “You’ve really been paying attention.”

“Almost like I love the guy,” Pope agreed, and then Sarah came over and did a move that was probably supposed to be smoothly switching their dance partners but she missed Pope’s hand the first try.

JJ wasn’t exactly steady on his feet either. He wobbled dangerously towards the fire, and Kie took him by the wrist. “Come here, baby,” she said, and JJ fell into her arms like he was just waiting for the chance. They didn’t really hug a lot. He always held her like he thought she’d never want to be near him again, desperate and tight. Sweaty, honestly, but Kie was pretty sticky herself by now. His hair was damp against her cheek.

“I’m tired,” he sighed against her neck.

“I can tell, honey,” she said. “Almost ready to go?”

“Yeah. I get to go home with you, right?”

“Do you have anywhere else to go?” she asked, like as a joke.

JJ linked his hands behind her back and held her even closer. “I mean… I can go back to Dad’s if you want. If you want to get lucky. With your girlfriend.”

“What? No.”

“That’d be fine,” he continued doggedly. “No big deal. No presh.”

“JJ, shut up.”

“I want you to have… the best gay sex,” JJ said, and sounded almost tearful. “Like I would never want to get in the way of that.”

Kie pulled back. “JJ look at me,” she said, and he did comply. He was blinking like his eyelids were heavy. “First of all,” she said, “please never talk about sex I’m having, ever again.”

“Roger that.”

“Second, you’re coming over. No discussion. Alright?”

JJ screwed his mouth up small, a shadow of his dimple showing up. “ _No_ discussion?” he repeated in the tone of a joke. 

Kie pulled him close again. “I said what I said. And you’re going to listen to me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He’d stopped moving really, and Kie let herself just be held. She moved one hand to the hair at the nape of his neck, and he tipped his head closer to her and she felt like she might cry, for some reason. Whatever alcohol was left in her system, probably. “Just for the record,” she said quietly. “I want you to have great gay sex too.”

JJ snorted, and got spit or worse on her neck, which made her shove him away with an only half-fake gag. “Jesus, dude,” Kie said loudly, and JJ fell down onto the sand with a smile on his face.

“Sorry,” he said.

“What’d he do, babe?” Sarah said. “Should I kick his ass?” Her eyes were mostly closed.

“No,” Kie said. “But I think that’s our cue to leave.”

They woke John B enough for him to stumble back to his house and Kie put the fire out with sand. Then she herded everyone into the van. Pope was first to be dropped off. He kissed JJ goodbye. “I’ll see you when we’re back,” he said.

“Yep.” JJ was flat on the floor. “Love you, bro,” he added as Pope shut the door, and Pope stopped.

“I love you too,” he said after a second. “G’night.”

“Night, babe,” Sarah said cheerfully, from her seat in the back. “Have fun with your family.”

Pope snorted. “Yeah.” He shut the door, and Kie drove away.

“You said that before, right?” Kie said, just to check.

“Yeah, all the time,” JJ said. “I love my friends.”

“Sappy,” Sarah weighed in. “I love no one but my girlfriend. And my little sister. And Rafe but only pre-high school or post-rehab. End of list.”

JJ snorted again. “Dude,” he said. “That’s not cool.”

“Sure it is. You don’t _have_ to love family.”

Kie glanced at Sarah in her rearview mirror. Sarah didn’t seem to notice she’d said something that was probably going to be a big deal to JJ. Luckily, though, JJ didn’t seem to realize either. He was asleep by the time they got to Sarah’s house.

Sarah got out and Kie hopped out with her to give her a hug and kiss goodbye. “Love you, are you good? Do I need to help you get inside?” she asked.

Sarah shook her head. “I’m good. You can go take care of JJ.”

“I’m not gonna,” Kie began, and heaved a deep sigh. “I guess I am,” she had to admit.

“You totally are,” Sarah sighed, with love and understanding in her voice. “You’re secretly, like. Totally caring. Even though you pretend you’re a badass. That’s the real pogue code, huh?”

“Guess so,” Kie said. “You’ve cracked it.”

“Well, can’t help being such a genius,” Sarah said archly. “Not hard to tell, anyways. You’re all so obvious and like, so totally clueless.”

“What do you mean?”

Sarah rolled her eyes, giving herself several chins for a second. “Please,” she said. “You guys love each other so much, you never talk about the things you’re actually scared of because you all think everybody else isn’t scared of anything. It’s kind of mad dumb.” She kissed Kie one last, firm time. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you,” Kie agreed, and got back in the van.

It was quiet at first, the drive as peaceful as if she was driving alone. She was alone with her thoughts, with the developing worry that JJ would wake her parents up, or be a pain in the ass tomorrow, or try and fight a customer or something totally batshit. Sarah didn’t know what she was talking about, JJ wasn’t scared of anything and that’s what made him so stupid.

“Kie,” JJ said. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Dunno.”

That was bullshit, but Kie answered anyways. “No, dude.”

“Kie,” he said again after a second, and she rolled her eyes at the road.

“Yeah, babe?”

He didn’t answer. Probably passed out again. His drinking was getting kind of frightening, now. Drinking like this was way too much like, even for an adult, probably.

At home, Kie helped JJ out with his duffle bag over her shoulder. He was pliable enough, just totally boneless. And, thankfully, quiet. They were able to get in without waking her parents up, and then he made a break for her bathroom to puke in the toilet. He even did that pretty quietly, too. Kie went through his bag to find his toothbrush, and brought it to him. He needed her help to stand up.

“I drank too much,” he said quietly.

“Yeah,” Kie said. “Brush your teeth.” She gave him her toothpaste to use

“I do it a lot,” he said before he stuck the toothbrush in his mouth, and she nodded. JJ nodded back. “Like my dad,” he said, and then started brushing.

Kie didn’t answer right away. She rubbed his back, standing next to him, and took a deep breath as she thought. “I can’t tell if you want me to say that’s not true, or if you want me to say it could be, or if you just want me to hear you,” she finally said. “But the truth is, I think, kind of a mix.”

JJ looked at her in the mirror, eye contact. His eyes were always a lot to look at directly, light and empty most of the time. Even more weird to see them in her bathroom, smiling at her. He spit, said “Cop out,” while he was still bent over.

“Go to hell,” she sighed.

He snorted, and rinsed his mouth out and then he stood back up and looked at her through the mirror again. “I mean, it’s genetic, right?” he said.

“Yeah,” Kie said. Her hand was still on his back, she couldn’t bring herself to move it.

“So I’m fucked from birth, basically.”

Kie shook her head. “Being an alcoholic and being a bad person aren’t the same thing. Those are independent variables.”

“Yeah, well, fuck you, with the math shit.” JJ went back into her room. He rummaged through his bag for a different pair of shorts and cut off T-shirt, and she found her pajamas too, digging through a pile in a chair for the boxers she’d borrowed from Sarah and wore most nights now. “Do I need to promise not to look?” JJ asked with a bit of a smirk forming in the corners of his mouth. But there was something about him that made Kie think if she asked him not to, he really wouldn’t.

“Oh, I’ll be looking for sure,” Kie said, and that made things normal. They could change like they had a million times on the boat or whatever, with maybe a couple peeks but totally safe. That was the thing - Kie trusted JJ in that way. He’d never do anything on purpose to hurt her. It was what he did on accident that scared her.

“He’s not always a bad guy,” JJ said when she was putting her hair up for the night. She looked over at him and found him watching her, though he stopped once he was caught. “My dad,” he added, to explain.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I dunno. He’s…” JJ shrugged, but apparently couldn’t come up with any counter points. And Kie knew this was kind of bullshit, she’d heard JJ using his dad’s violent side to get out of shit like dozens of times. He wasn’t above exploiting pity to get what he wanted - honestly he wasn’t above much. It’s what made him such a good liar when he had to be. And these were all just kind of things about him that she didn’t think about much before this moment. She didn’t spend a ton of time thinking about the guys like that. They were just them. Her best friends.

But Sarah did. What Sarah said before was sort of circling around in Kie’s head, and she was thinking, now, about how JJ actually never said anything about his dad besides these sort of angry jokes that were both true and not true. The worst he and John B ever fought was when John B told him he was just like his dad. But then now. His dad wasn’t a bad guy? He’d cracked JJ’s ribs.

She was thinking, too, about what Pope said. JJ didn’t ask for things because he thought people would say no. Another thing that was true and not true, because JJ loved to ask for crazy things or cajole people into giving him things but now that she was thinking about it he didn’t really ask her - or Pope, or John B - for anything serious. Except to stay here this weekend.

“Are you gonna puke again?” she asked.

“No, I’m good.”

“Then you can get in bed, I’ve gotta wash my face and stuff,” she said vaguely, because saying the words _skincare routine_ seemed like the quickest way to get into an argument.

JJ didn’t listen. He just followed her back into the bathroom, and sat on the floor while she got ready for bed. He wasn’t even watching her, he was just there. Pope was probably right, Kie was thinking. Pope knew him really well, he’d obviously been thinking about him a lot, like critically and as a person. Of course he was right, that JJ just wanted to be allowed to be there. Here, with her.

Kie looked down at him with purpose then, and JJ met her eyes. “He is bad,” she said firmly. “He’s a piece of shit. But it’s not crazy if you still love him. Sarah talks a big game, but.” She looked away from him, back at herself in the mirror to dot lotion on her face. “She still cared about Rafe the whole time he was on his crazy coke bender, threatening her life and shit. It’s okay not to love family, but. It’s okay _to_ love them too.”

He had nothing to say to that. And then she thought, alright, maybe she had to go first. Before he could admit how he felt.

“You don’t have to say shit. I’m just thinking, and. I want to be real with you. Because I’m not gonna be here a ton for the next couple years, and I’m gonna miss you.”

“We’ll miss you too,” he said.

“Not you, all of you. You,” Kie said. “I’m just talking about you right now, JJ.”

JJ pulled himself up with a hand on the counter, stood up and leaned back against the wall he’d been sitting against. “Me,” he repeated.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re one of my best friends.” She finished massaging the moisturizer in and then looked at him because he hadn’t said anything. “What, is that a surprise?”

JJ raised his eyebrows at her, like kind of a shrug in his face. “Are you done?” he asked. “Jesus, so many fuckin’ serums and shit.”

“Shut up,” Kie poked him, and pushed him out of the bathroom ahead of her, and then just kept pushing him towards the bed because JJ seemed to enjoy being pushed. He leaned back into her with his weight, and she pushed him down onto the mattress because he wanted her to, and Kie couldn’t help but notice that he still hadn’t responded to anything she said about his dad.

She got them two glasses of water and then went around and turned off every light except the lava lamps on her bookshelves. Then she crawled into bed next to him, moving him over between her and the wall. There was a moment where they figured out who got what pillow, and then she settled down on her back and then that was it. She was in bed with JJ, and he was on his stomach, arms under his head, looking sort of past her.

The silence between them was clean. She smelled like cucumbers and the beach. If she didn’t know JJ, didn’t know he was trying to psych himself up to say something, she’d fall asleep.

“When did you know?”

“Know what?” she asked, and then her brain caught up, filling in the gaps. “That I was gay?”

“Yeah.”

She stared determinedly at the ceiling, at the subtly shifting turquoise light and the yellow strip coming in from around her curtains. “Uh. I don’t know.”

“When we’d… or with John B, was it just, like, the worst thing for you?”

“No,” she said. “It was fine. I was figuring it out. Was it… for you? Or…”

He snorted. “No. You’re… uh. I don’t think I’m totally, like. Gay.”

“More like you’re bisexual?” she said after a second.

“Yeah, whatever. Something like that. You’re not, though?”

“No. Definitely one hundred percent a lesbian.” JJ laughed, not loud enough to make her worry but enough that she giggled too. “Sorry,” she added. “No exceptions even if you’re pretty.” She looked over at him then, at an awful angle that probably looked crazy. He just had the one eye out, looking right at her. “I tried,” she told him, which was the truth.

He didn’t press her on that, just asked, “You think I’m pretty?”

“Yeah,” Kie nodded. “Totally.” She watched him take the complement, eye creasing up with a genuine smile, and then she asked, “Are you, like. Worried about coming out or anything?”

“Nope,” JJ said. “Won’t really change anything. John B doesn’t give a shit, and Topper and his crew fucking hate me either way.”

That was a pretty decent point. “Topper always gave me gay vibes,” Kie said thoughtfully.

“Okay, but. Right though?” JJ said, and wiggled over to lie on his side, looking at her. And Kie turned onto her side facing him, to match. “He’s like, so into getting on top of me whenever he can. It’s weird.”

“Have you said anything like that?”

“Why the fuck would I do that? If I say something then it’s my problem.”

“Masculinity so toxic,” Kie said, something she’d picked up from Sarah. “You’re right, though. God.”

JJ chewed on his lip then, worrying his teeth over it back and forth. His eyes were on her, searching for something. Kie wasn’t sure he’d ever end up asking. But she watched him back, steadily. He deserved at least that. She loved him, after all.

“Babe,” she said after the pause stretched too long.

“You’ll miss me?” he asked.

“We’ll be back as many weekends as we can, and even then I’ll still miss you,” she said. “Yeah. Why, is that crazy to you for some reason?”

He smiled, fighting it. “I dunno.”

That’s when Kie remembered something probably related; JJ’s mom left, way before Kie ever met him. Left and never came back. Sarah would call that relevant information, and make her eyebrows say something about it.

“I could call,” JJ said after a second. “Or text or something.”

“Yeah, you better. Or I’ll call, if you tell me where you’ll be.”

JJ nodded. “Okay. Because…” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t know. I didn’t know we could…” Helplessly, he gestured between the two of them.

“Sarah says the pogues all pretend not to care because we’re scared nobody else cares,” Kie said.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” She had to look away from him when she said this next bit, down at his chest. The logo for some surf shop. “But. She’s right. I do really… care about you. Just so you know.”

“Me,” JJ repeated. “Why? Why are you telling me this now? Not everybody, when we were all together.”

“Because. I don’t know. Because I didn’t think of it then, and you seem like you need it right now. And it’s true.” Kie picked at the corner of her pillow, feeling a little cross. “Is that okay with you?”

Another long pause. “Kie,” he said. Like he wanted her to look at him, and she reluctantly did. He was dead certain, totally present and sober. “You know I love you too, right?” he said. “More than…”

“I know,” she said, but that was mostly another lie.

“No, seriously. Like, you were worried, when you told us you and Sarah were hooking up, but. That’s not… I mean, it would never. And not just because of me and Pope, it’d really never.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop.”

JJ reached out for her then, the suddenness making her tense but he was just taking her hand, moving it between them on the bed and then covering it with his. “Hey,” he said. “If you get to say your bullshit, I get to say mine. Right?”

“Right,” Kie answered, because she knew that to be true in her heart before her brain caught up. “Right,” she said again. And she thought, then, about how JJ would lash out at things. He’d never hurt anybody, that was one thing. And it’s not like he’d exactly had a life that encouraged him to be predictable. All that ever got him was hit quicker, probably.

“Great,” JJ said. “Good. I love you.”

It made her face hot. “Whatever,” she said.

“Oh my god,” he said. “It’s this easy to freak you out?”

“Shut up!”

“I won’t. I’m not gonna stop now. You’ve opened a door. Emotionally. No going back,” he said, like he was joking but she seriously suspected he wasn’t. “This is the new normal, now.”

“What, you being a fucking sap?”

“Us being… this.”

Vulnerable, Kie thought, but chickened out of saying. “Okay,” she said. “Does new normal mean you’ll tell me if your dad tries something?”

“Not really an if,” JJ answered without hesitation.

“Okay, then when.” She met his eyes again. Hers were starting to feel heavy.

He met her eyes and then refocused closer, on their hands between them. “I guess so,” he mumbled. “Though I still don’t get, like.”

“I’ll deck your dad straight in the face,” Kie said sleepily. “Swear to God. Seriously.”

“You’ve never even punched anybody before.”

“Sure I have. Well, I kicked him.” JJ frowned at her. “I kicked Sarah’s dad in the balls so she could get out before he locked her door again. He was keeping her like. Locked in her room because he thought she was sneaking out to see John B so I’d climbed in through the window. But he only thought that because John B was taking me to go visit her a bunch of times, because he said he believes in young love.” JJ was now looking increasingly shook. “What!”

He shrugged. “Nothing. I didn’t know her family was like that.”

“Oh, total nightmare. You are not alone there.”

JJ didn’t say anything to that, he just looked at her and it was so clear on his face everything he was thinking that Kie looked away again. She didn’t know what to do with this. “Shut up,” she said. “I’m tired.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Shh.”

Kie was being unfair, but JJ kept his mouth shut and his eyes followed suit. She pulled her hand away tuck it under her pillow, and he shifted back onto his stomach a little more. “I love you too,” she said quietly, and saw the ghost of a dimple.

“Knew it,” JJ whispered.

It was only because she was so tired that Kie let him have the last word. That was the only reason. If she was less tired, she’d tell him that she’d made her mind up that he’d never be walking back into his dad’s house alone. Not once. Pogues never left one of their own behind. And pogues never let one of their own head into danger alone. She’d have to talk to John B about adding that to the whole code thing. But for now, she just shut her eyes.


End file.
